The Hardest Thing for me to Post…

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I’m not sure if this is the right or wrong thing to do. I’m not even sure what this is going to do for me and my future. But I do know that I’m going to do it.

I tend to have this feeling that I can’t mess up cause people are counting on and watching me. People’s expectation of me are high and I have really been trying to live my life according to what I’ve been taught is right and according to what is deemed acceptable.

Well folks! I’m done. I’m no longer living for man. I don’t even want to live for myself because I don’t think that’s the way God intended for me to live. I’m in an awkward place in life and so I’ve decided to share my awkward place with others. Who knows, it may help someone else. So…I’m gonna be me on this page and I really don’t care who reads it. Tell my parents hell! (yes, I said hell) If it’s truth, it’s truth and I will never be free until I remove ALL masks and be ME!

So here it is…your first glimpse of who I really am

Written on 11/28/06..(me talkin 2 the Lord)

I want to know who I REALLY am. I don’t want to wear masks anymore. What if I don’t like who I really am? I can’t try to change myself cause then I’d be putting on even more masks. Show me who me and you are. I want to know the REAL us.

I want my ideas, thoughts, and knowledge of you to reflect the God that you are, not the god that I’ve learned about in church, from my parents, pastors, or peers.

I say this, but at the same time I’m honestly afraid. I’m afraid that it might hurt me to get to know you. That you might take me through a traumatic and painful experience to grow to know you. I guess that’s me making you into what Steve Brown (author of “A Scandalous Freedom”) called the “child abuser god.” Its so hard to think otherwise when that’s all you know.

I really do want to experience true freedom but I still feel like I have to DO something. And I know you said you wouldn’t love me any less if I exercise my freedom and do something that may seem “out of character” for me but I don’t feel ok about doing anything new.

I don’t feel free at all, I still feel like I have to act a certain way and can’t do certain things. I want to feel free. And how am I free if I have to be faithful to you and your word? How am I free if I have convictions that were established by you and your word?

If I was really free, I don’t think I would still be a virgin. If I was being true to me this whole time, I probably would have had sex with more then one guy. I probably would have watched an entire porn flick instead of changing the channel because I thought about the mask of “good church girl” that I knew I’d have to wear the next morning.

If I was free and wore no masks, I don’t know who I would be, who I would really be friends with, who I would really talk to. It’s a really scary thing to feel like you’re living in a stranger’s world and in a stranger’s body.

I don’t know if I ONLY want to work with gospel music. I don’t know what I want to do with myself after college. I don’t know how to not be prideful and materialistic. I don’t know how to care about people’s problems when they don’t affect me. I don’t know how to be a good friend. I don’t know how to love unconditionally. I don’t know how to trust. I don’t know how to always be honest and forgiving. I don’t know how to love you. I don’t know how to be me at all times. I dont even KNOW that this Christian walk is worth all this drama.

I hope it’s not wrong to question you and my faith, but I really want to know and understand…Have I been programmed to not want to do wrong or do I sincerely want to do right?

***BTW guys, don’t worry…I’m still silly…that’s one thing that I KNOW is a part of who I really am! :) ***

1 Comment
  • Rita Gitau
    July 10, 2017

    I loved the honesty Kandis.
    One of the things I chose to do early in my Christian life is to be brutally honest with God. He already knows it anyway. Now that’s freedom.